Welcome to the world of parenthood! You have spent the last nine months being woken through the night, either needing to pee, vomit or because baby is fidgeting around, trying to get comfortable. With all the sleep interruptions you know you’re well and truly ready for all the sleep deprivation and hard times that will follow.
If only it was that simple……
Here are 19 ‘simple’ steps to getting a newborn to sleep.
1.Baby slept through the night on it’s first ever night, this is easy. What on earth is everyone talking about, new parents being tired? They’re just making a fuss.
2. We’re home!! I can’t wait to put baby to bed in the lovely moses basket that I’ve had set up for ages now.
3. How, how can the baby not like this gorgeous basket?
4. I don’t understand……. he slept so well in hospital, why isn’t he doing it now?
5. Perhaps he needs some more milk…….
6. Oh look! He’s asleep! He looks so gorgeous I’m just going to cuddle him for a bit then put him down.
7. Oh crap! how could gently lowering him into the basket, at a speed slower than a snail wake him up?
8. He is so cute! I’ll just walk around, patting his back for a bit then put him down again.
9. Seriously? He’s doing this on purpose! How the hell does he even know he’s in the moses basket and what does he have against it??
10. Give the baby to your other half to walk around with shushing while you quickly google ‘newborn sleep tips’
11. Note that the first tip is to establish a routine. It’s 11pm, that’s not going to happen, what’s step 2?
12. No need – baby has snuggled himself to sleep on OH’s shoulder.
13. Abandon any attempt to lay baby back in the moses basket, instead arm OH with a cup of (strong) coffee, instruct him to stay up all night while baby snoozes on him. Head to bed yourself.
14. Precisely 23 minutes later get woken up by a bawling baby. Time to feed again. Surely, as it’s the middle of the night, it will be quick.
15. 1 hour and 47 minutes later unlatch the sleeping baby, only for it to wake him and up and he starts feeding all over again.
16. Repeat 5 times in the next 20 minutes.
17. Kick your other half awake (make mental note to make coffee stronger next time) and make him walk around with the baby while you get some sleep.
18. After 52 minutes repeat phases 14 – 16 for the next 2 hours.
19. Finally everyone drifts off to sleep, all in the parental bed, only to be woken by a text from a well meaning friend in a different time zone.
It is now 5:30am and time to get up for the day. Congratulations! You have just survived a ‘good’ night with a newborn!