The other night we had friends over, the kids were in bed and I popped upstairs to use the bathroom. Whilst doing so the door opened a crack and I found myself looking down the barrel of a (plastic) gun. The toddler was no longer in bed (too busy snipering his Mummy) and it made me think of this post:
43 Signs that you are now a parent
You have spent more money on baby sleeping bags than your own king sized duvet.
You bath in baby bath and shave your legs using top to toe wash.
6:30am is a lie in.
The baby throws up or wees on the sheets and rather than change them, you throw a bath towel on top and go back to sleep.
Between napping carers and snoozing children, there is always someone in your bed.
Your other half sleeps on the sofa, you wake up in your toddler’s cot, the toddler is luxuriously spread out across every inch of your kingsize bed.
Nobody moves back to their original beds for fear of waking the toddler. You may have to pay a chiropractor to sort out your back but if the toddler sleeps for 4 hours straight, it will have been worth it.
Privacy is a thing of the past.
Your kitchen is open 24 hours with someone always asking for food.
The dog is turfed out of it’s bed because the toddler insists on eating all their meals whilst sitting in it.
Your car radio, which used to play all your favourite music now runs a relentless playlist of childrens stories and songs.
You never shut a door because it is immediately barged open by inquisitive children.
In a zoned out state you hear yourself saying to your child: ‘shhh, I’m trying to watch Peppa!’
Hours after the children have gone to bed you find that you’re still watching Nick Jr.
You cancel a long awaited night out because you don’t want to leave the baby (who has driven you mad all day).
You spend most of your days wondering if it’s too late to drink coffee and too early to drink wine?
Wine o’clock gets earlier each day….
Unsolicited advice follows you wherever you go.
You wonder what you ever managed to achieve without 2 packs of baby wipes on you at all times.
You wear the same clothes 4 days in a row because they pass the sniff test and look kind of clean.
Your house is full of closed, locked safety gates, even though your baby is safely behind bars, fast asleep in the cot.
You automatically hold out your hand for your toddler to spit mushed up food in, without batting an eyelid.
They manage to injure you doing something they shouldn’t, and you have to ice the bump on their head before nursing your own black eye.
You have seen every single episode of Come Dine with Me as it’s on during the kids crazy hour where you lock yourself away to have some peace from them.
A friend shares the news that they’re expecting their 3rd child and you break out in a cold sweat before realising it’s happening to them and not you.
Going to Sainsburys at 9pm ON YOUR OWN feels like a day trip to a spa.
Navigating a shopping centre on black Friday is easier than picking your way through all the toys abandoned on the floor.
Black Friday is the only time you will be able to afford anything ever again.
The third world’s national debt is less than your monthly grocery bill.
Your toddler flat out refuses to take their medicine and when admitted to hospital for the 4th time running, he and the ward sister eye each other warily.
Days become so long that you are on first name terms with every delivery person who comes to your house…. and all the shop keepers on your local high street.
You have never done so much walking in your life and yet you still weigh more than ever (damn that wine o’clock).
When searching for your house keys you pull out a toy car, happy land people, iron man with no head, half eaten snacks…. everything but the keys.
You spend 5 x as long choosing the new buggy, than you do your new car (purchased for child friendly features).
The minute the baby hits 9 months old the buggy will be sold to be replaced with a stroller which will not only service them, but most of your friends children and any siblings.
The new car swiftly looks as though a tramp has been living in it, spilling drinks on all the seats and leaving a trail of crumbs and wrappers.
You no longer care that the Christmas tree looks like it has been decorated by crack addict as long as you are not the one who has to decorate it.
Every aspect of your life will be tradeable with your other half if only they’ll do the next nappy/night shift etc.
School league tables and admissions procedures will be read with the same enthusiasm that you used to have for the latest Marian Keyes novel.
Make up becomes optional, washed, brushed and styled hair is sporadic and high heels become a thing of the past.
Childless friends tell you how tired they are and you let out an involuntary giggle as they have no. frikken. idea!
It takes 5 years to commit the ‘you know you’re a parent’ list to cyberspace as you’re just too busy.
Life has completely changed, you’re exhausted, have questionable hygiene, your house is a mess, your wallet is empty and yet life is richer and more beautiful than it has ever been.